The Vicious Circle - Our Legacy
By: Janice Ramkissoon
The 25th March 2007 marked the 200th year since the abolition of the slave trade act (1807 – 2007) and I cannot help but think of some of the legacies of the slave trade. Having just celebrated Mothers Day, the legacy at the forefront of my mind is that of broken homes in our community.
When I found out that I was born and brought up in one of the first (1st) free villages in Jamaica I became interested in finding out more about my history and culture. As I am learning about my past, I am seeing a pattern where families are concerned: absentee fathers; angry children; angry and resentful mothers and grandparents with an extended life span of parental care. In my short life on earth, I have also seen too many mothers crying and too many children dying. The guns, the knives, any weapon that can be found will be used to solve the problem. I walk the streets of London and see our young people crippled from drug addiction and prostitution. Am I in Brooklyn, London or Kingston? – where am I? I’m unable to tell the difference for their faces bear the same pain, embracing the legacy of the slave trade.
It was then I realised the damaging effects of the trade on our people. The legacy of ‘BROKEN HOMES’ highlights the familiar face of the lone parent and build up of anger and resentment. Mothers who play the role of both parents to their children; children who receive no love and affection; fathers who are tired of trying harder and harder but can’t seem to succeed so they continue to do the best they can anyhow they can (be it on the right or wrong side of the law) or they give up and walk the streets twisting their hair or find a home in a mental institution. In other cases our men are criminalised so they have no future – now unemployable and have nothing to offer.
As we are celebrating mothers’ day I’d like to look at some of the more regular scenarios of a mother:
Scenario 1: A mother is left to care for the children while the father goes abroad to find work so he can support his family. The father finds himself another love interest and ‘abroad’ becomes his new home. The mother is now left on her own to mother and father her children. What does she do in a situation like this?
a) She works, doing whatever she can to put food on the table. She is always exhausted and so never really has enough time to spend with the children (sometimes she only sees them once per month or every fort-night).
b) Another man shows an interest in her and she lets him into her life as well as the children’s. In some cases a great relationship develops where the whole family is concerned but in other cases we either find that tension builds up when the children cannot adjust to having a new father in their lives. There is also the case where there are issues of abuse with either the children or the mother and both in some cases which causes a deeper breakdown of the family network. We are left with disturbed, angry and confused children this can result in a son in jail, a pregnant teenager and one stressed-out/ depressed mother.
Scenario 2: A woman was raped. Now we have a mother who cannot relate to her child because of how the child was conceived. She doesn’t know how to relate to a child who reminds her of one of the worse moments of her life. If the child looks like the man who raped her, instead of loving that child, she often shouts abuse: telling the child she/he looks or acts just like his or her dad. This child grows up in a one parent environment and with little or no reference to love. When this child grows up it becomes difficult for him/her to relate to his/her children because they have no reference of love or parenting and also encounter problems in maintaining relationships.
Scenario 3: We have a mother whose partner left her with the children and a baby on the way. She doesn’t know what to do or where to turn for help. She lives in silence with depression – unable to care for her children and allowing them to grow up pre-maturely or there is the case where she is institutionalised while her children are being cared for by the system or by a relative. She’ll get better one day but the relationship with her children would have been damaged.
For a mother in any of these scenarios, ‘Mother’s Day’ must be a curse to her. How does she feel when all around her says: ‘You’re a bad mother’ or ‘You don’t deserve to be part of the lives of your children?’
Like the various titles we use to address our mothers (birth mother, mother-in-laws, adopted or foster) we all have different relationships with our mothers. So if your mother is that rock in your life use this opportunity to let her know just how much she means to you. If you argued over the turkey last Christmas and still haven’t made up, mother’s day is a perfect opportunity to call it a truce. If you are a child who can relate to any of the children in these scenarios don’t hold it against your mother, it’s a by-product of the slave trade. So lose your contempt for mom, its time to forgive her for the wrong she has done to you and your siblings. If she is still alive use the opportunity to let her know how hurt you have been and the healing process will begin for you both. If she’s no longer around why not tell the children about their grandma and find some of the good memories to hold onto.
Unfortunately, some people don’t know their mothers and others may have lost their mothers for various reasons and so ‘Mothers’ Day’ may bring on some unwelcome emotions. However, one thing is for sure, without a mother to physically give birth, a child would not be born. God chose women to bear children and so being the main carer of life on this earth, it is fitting that we recognise and appreciate them for their contribution.
If ‘Mother’s Day’ went as a missed opportunity for you – it’s not too late to show you care. Don’t wait for next Mothers’ Day to come around, for tomorrow is promised to no one. Use the time you have to show mother some love, in your own special way. Everyday is ‘Mother’s Day’ for one who has ever cared for a child.
© 2007 Janice S Ramkissoon
This article was first published in The Big Eye Newspaper